Aahh, ok, i've begun to let it sink in. today, little and i filled out all the forms for her dorm living in the fall. describe yourself [the application read] ... irreverently funny and likes to nap, a little OCD (but hey aren't we all?), makes friends easily but not really the cheerleader or theatre type ...(here we're trying to cancel out the really loud "oh my gawd" giddy girls and the "goth" existential girls.) we're giggling and laughing on the sofa. i'm coming around slowly but its hard. it ended up being sooo exhausting putting that much thought into describing who you are so that someone on the other end can try and find the right person to live with you. it was beginning to sink in for her as well. curling up, she snuggled in and promptly fell asleep on my shoulder. i continued filling out the parent section feeling the tears stinging in the back of my eyes. i didn't even want to move.

this past sunday afternoon we went to oviedo high's last play, the wizard of oz, to see little's bestest friend, ansley. who by the way made an adorable munchkin and a sassy witch ...it was all going really well until dorothy started singing "somewhere over the rainbow" immediately i began crying. i couldn't help it. after the show i saw cynthia and randy... they had cried too. which made me feel so much better since randy is about 6' 7 . it seems like only yesterday we had just met in pre-school. the girls running off hand in hand to climb monkey bars and chase cute jared with his little rattail around the playground. time had stretched out before us as we made pb&j's, kissed skinned knees and tucked them into bed kissing them goodnight.

if you see me i'm pretty sure i'll be needing a hug.

to addie:

Now I've been smiling lately,

thinking about the good things to come.

And I believe it could be,

something good has begun.

Cat Stevens

this is the picture we've put in their senior yearbook...

feel free to leave me a comment or critique. i welcome your thoughts. seriously! haha

you don't have to "sign in" or be a fellow blogger, after you type your stuff you just choose your identity and then just put your name there. pretty simple. if you want to be anonymous you can choose that too... but please don't, i think that's a little creepy... but you certainly can sign your name in your note, then put anonymous in your identity... that'd be pretty genius.

so this story has been told to me every year on my birthday since i can remember. i am writing it down because since it came from the "horse's mouth" i want to make sure i get it right and not wait until i am so old and gray that i might forget. my mom was visited by the virgin mary. no, she didn't contact the vatican or the papers or anything like that. it's always been just one of our family stories. we all know about it, believe it, and think it is a wonderful gift. now i'm sharing it.




Florencia Ramona Pazos Guerra de Gonzalez had been married for almost thirteen years without having a successful pregnancy. She had tried and conceived three times and all three times it ended in her first trimester. The doctors didn't have an explanation and at 39 it seemed very unlikely that her wish to have a baby would be fulfilled. Despondent, she sobbed in her mother's arms as Rosa stroked her hair. "what is your hearts desire, mi hija?" her mother asked. "to have a baby, a baby girl" Flor responded through her tears. "then pray" Rosa said, her catholic upbringing of petitioning the saints to intercede was strongly on her mind. "pray to the virgin mary, the mother of jesus and make your desires known to her . let her intercede and see your heart." Flor dried her tears and went to bed... and prayed. As Flor lay napping one afternoon, she was awakened by a light, thinking someone had come into the room she looked up. There in the corner of her room was a shining light, out of the light stepped a figure. a woman with a blue mantle. she came towards Flor to the foot of her bed. three times never turning her back. on the third time a baby was cradled in her arms. the light faded and she was gone. "mami, mami!" Flor cried out as her mother rushed into her room. They hugged and cried and gave thanks for the miracle she had experienced. Being a good catholic, the next morning Rosa took Flor and they lit candles and prayed at the statue of the virgin mary.




as a child i would hear this story and my eyes would grow huge like saucers and i would look at my mother waiting for her to begin laughing at pulling a fast one on me. but the story never changed, and instead of laughing, my mom's eyes would well up with tears of thanksgiving. as i grew older i imagined the story with me as the central player and i was the huge miracle, which sounded pretty good to me when i was around 12. now i look at the story and realize the gift and the miracle was for my mom. that for her, for that moment in her life, God had looked upon her with favor and granted her her life's desire. i don't ever want to forget that in the big things and the small things God is always there.























this picture of the virgin mary has been in my mother's
wallet for as long as i can remember... she put in her wallet when i was born. it's still there.

my sister had a picnic today. she gathered as many girlfriends as she could find that came from cuba on the "pedro pan flights." i think she was able to get them all. they haven't seen each other since they were thirteen and they are all now in their sixties. i want to write about it later when i can let it sink in. just know it was amazing. one of her friends gave me two pictures that i had never seen.

the picture is grainy and out of focus but i just stared at it. my sister and all her friends have memories of cuba. i have none. she had all these friends. i couldn't remember if i had any friends. until now. and i guess i did. i can't even tell you how that made me feel.

written on the back:

19 Abril 1962

Mariflor Gonzalez

Marisela Hernandez

Ismarita Hernandez

i'm sitting in my favorite red chinese chair next to my open window. i can see how the cool breeze moves through the giant bamboo tree that borders the fence. the silver bismark, with it's massive fan-shaped leaves, catches my eye as it dances around in the cool spring morning...

it's a perfect morning

the phone rings. it's arden, my biggums, calling from from college. there's background noise and she sounds a little winded, "i'm walking home from school" she says, "what are you up to?" we chat for awhile... she wants to stay for the summer and take some classes... she wants to go to spain next spring for school ... she's headed to the coffee shop to study

you know, just regular mother/ daughter talk.


i put my feet up on the ottoman and smile. lot's of people take regular mother/daughter banter for granted. i do not. this is a relatively new phenomenon for me... for us. usually it's misunderstood words, rolling of the eyes, and tears on both sides of the aisle. but in this conversation she sounds happy and lighthearted. i hear a tiny bit of homesickness in her voice. not enough for her to actually want to come home, just enough to want to hear from home.



i get a little distracted thinking of how much i'm loving this conversation to actually listen to what she's saying i have to make myself concentrate. focus! what i've wished and prayed for is happening. right now. she's growing up, i'm growing up, we're finally coming together. "i miss you" she's says as the construction noise behind her gets louder and threatens to drown out the words. we relunctantly say our goodbyes.




"i miss you too, sweetheart." i say, smiling and grateful. a perfect morning indeed.






Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;-
Phil 4:6

i've been timing it... there is a rooster somewhere very near my house that crows everyday.


all day.

every 25 seconds...i've been timing it.

if i can find him i think

i'm going to shoot him.



seriously.

i love a God thing. you know, when things just seem to seamlessly fall into place and it isn't usually until it's all played out that you sit back and realize there was nothing random in what just happened.
that's when you stop and say, "wow! what a God thing!" my friend, kitty and i say that ALL the time. especially when we go to camp up in alabama with the youth group ... there, a God thing is always going on.... my sweet little buddy, jennifer and i then switch from saying, 'it's a God thing" to "unbelieveable!!" but we s t r e t c h it out so it sounds like this ..."un bee lee vabble" and then we giggle and shake our heads, incredibly enjoying the greatness of God.





i'm sure you have God things happening to you every day, the trick is to catch him doing it and then squealing with delight or sitting back with your jaw open in amazement. i think He probably enjoys both. well, my latest God thing had to do with my sister and her new dog. there's been a terrible bug this season and both my sis and her husband were bit bad. poor keithums ended up with double pneumonia (same bug that bit mom) and ani had something darn near to it. it was so bad even their dog was sick. but poor pickens, their beagle, had more going on than the cold and it ended up he was in worse shape than they knew.


in the meantime, unbeknownst to us the sad state of affairs that ole pickens was in, some friends of ours informed us that they knew someone who knew someone that was trying to get rid of a dog. a beagle no less. my wheels started turning and i thought if my sister likes one beagle, i'm sure she'd like two. the throw away beagle in question was a little girl about

a year and a half and her owner, a hunter. was going to take her to the pound because she did not like to hunt. i think she was very upset at the fact that she was a beagle and was expected to hunt. sitting in the truck seemed just fine to her. the deal was set, this big guy came in his big

truck to our house and dropped her off. no, she wasn't housebroken and she was heart worm positive but besides that she was a good dog he said.



i called my sister, she said, "bring her right over." ani had jenny (whom she renamed queenie) for about a week when they got the news that pickens would have to be put down. for anyone who is a pet lover, we all know the heartache of that decision. ... a week! are you getting the timing here? are you beginning to see the picture? yep, that's right... man, was that a God Thing or what?

...a dictionary lesson

BLISS



Pronunciation:
\ˈblis\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Middle English blisse, from Old English bliss; akin to Old English blīthe blithe
Date:
before 12th century

1 : complete happiness

i really want to make the effort to be closer to my friends. ...my old friends. you know, the ones that you couldn't seem to live without when you were 10 and the whole world revolved around saturday plans, sleepovers and playing. and how annoying big brothers and big sisters could be and if you were going to walk or ride your bike to school?







the same friends that in high school knew who your crushes were and the code names that you had given them. the ones that ended up being your maid of honor as you walked down the aisle to being a grown up... yeah, those friends.







the ones that you seem to have let go of .... keeping in touch once a year with christmas cards that mark the growth of their children. and time ... and schedules .... and life marches on.







i was thinking about that today because i had to go the funeral of my old friend's father. i drove the hour and a half back to my hometown and sat two pews behind her and her family. i sat there and noticed the grey that was now sprinkled through her wavy black hair, her shoulders small as her husband sat with his arm around her. i watched her two grown daughters stand and gracefully eulogize a grandfather that they so clearly adored. after the service as she walked up and we hugged i saw that her face, etched in grief, had aged with delicate wrinkles that kept tally of the joys and sorrows she had lived. but through it all i still saw her just how i met her in second grade, curly black hair, a big gap between her front teeth, and a small little pixie face. i was the funny brash one and she was the cute sweet one. but together we were perfect friends.











'You can't stay in your corner of the forest, waiting for others to come to you; you have to go to them sometimes."


Winnie the Pooh

i've been going through old photo's lately pulling pictures of little so that danny and marshall can make her a graduation video. it was something i did for biggums which was a huge surprise but of course this won't be such a surprise for adds.

...just one of the many drawbacks of not being the firstborn.

sifting through my stacks of picture boxes (that i will one day go through and
actually organize...creative memory style) i came across this folded newspaper clipping...



so this is the story,
one year when the girls were small , cliffie and i packed them up and
went to downtown oviedo for the annual christmas tree lighting.

.... in a small town, a christmas tree lighting is a big deal, believeyoume.

arriving late, with stroller and toddler in tow, we made our way into the crowd to vie for the best possible spot. but it seemed like the entire town was there to see the lighting of the giant tree.

majestically it stood on the front lawn of the lawton house, a sweet little two story wooden house with a wonderful wrap-around porch.

weaving through the crowd, cliff spied the empty front porch and made a quick bee-line with both girls...he had found the A spot! a perfect view of the tree .... a perfect view of all the people.... right where you wanted to be. feeling pretty proud of himself, he smiled and motioned for me to join him.

but all too quickly the music started and the ceremony began. as i stood rooted in my spot, out of the lawton house stepped the entire oviedo high school chorus.
they began singing beautiful christmas carols.
as all eyes turned and were fixed on the porch.
ray lucas took some really great pictures of the tree that year but by far i think this was his best one...




















p.s. you really need to click on the picture to appreciate the moment...

what can i say...

We've been together since way back when Sometimes I never want to see you again But I want you to know, after all these years You're still the one I want whisperin' in my ear
You're still the one I want to talk to in bed Still the one that turns my head We're still having fun, and you're still the one
I looked at your face every day But I never saw it 'til I went away When winter came, I just wanted to go Deep in the desert, I longed for the snow
You're still the one that makes me laugh Still the one that's my better half We're still having fun, and you're still the one
You're still the one that makes me strong Still the one I want to take along We're still having fun, and you're still the one
Changing, our love is going gold Even though we grow old, it grows new
You're still the one that I love to touch Still the one and I can't get enough We're still having fun, and you're still the one
You're still the one who can scratch my itch Still the one and I wouldn't switch We're still having fun, and you're still the one
You are still the one that makes me shout Still the one that I dream about We're still having fun, and you're still the one...

don't i look happy in this picture? such was our life when we were in joplin missouri ;... pictures in newspapers, happy strangers wanting to give us welcoming gifts and the overall sense that we were the next best thing to getting new pandas at the zoo.

i don't remember much about our time there, just enough to know it was strange and i didn't understand anything anyone was saying. most of the time i scowled and tried really hard to hide behind my mom although as you can see, in pictures, i was always out in front. my mom and my sister were gracious, so was my dad... me? not so much.

but we were lucky to have been there and lucky to have left communism. i didn't know at the time that where i had come from people were no longer free and that if you disagreed you were either thrown in jail or put up against a wall and shot. i didn't realize the fear and the strength it took my parents to leave all they had known to start a new life. they hid all that pretty well, me?...not so much.

man, i don't care who you are...

that's funny

just something i love...

i know this is the epitome of queerness but i love my aprons. if you ever come over to my house, i'll probably have one on. they are the world's greatest invention. i keep just about everything i need in the pockets (they have to have pockets or else what good are they?) it's like a wearable purse... really. my phone, some chapstick, rubber bands and hair clips, a few dog treats, once in awhile a golf ball or two. right there at my fingertips...so perfect. the other great thing about aprons is the ability to just wipe your hands on them, a little dirt, some soapy water, a bit of dog slobber... it doesn't matter. and as a bonus you never have to hold your stomach in.

nice.

i can't tell you the happiness it brings me.

when my friend, charlie likes something he says with this big grin, "saweet!"

and that's exactly how i feel about my aprons. so if you're ever wondering what to give me as a gift you're never going to go wrong with an apron, i'm telling you... it'd be golden. because seriously, honestly, when you're wearing your apron you're telling the world, "hey i'm getting something done around here...don't mess with me i'm busy! all business, no nonsense... yep, that's me.

i love this apron, it has my name on it which works out really well for the friends who forget names after a few drinks...

and these are a few of my favorites...

mom has pneumonia which isn't a good thing when you're 88. she's trying hard to get better and i'm trying hard to be a good nurse. in the morning i walk into her room, and

our routine goes something like this ...
"!!hoy es un dia de fuerza!!" (today is a strong day!!) "!!no hay prisoneros!!" (we take no prisoners!!)
i say it, she repeats it
and then we try and get through the day.


her first medicines made her lose her mind and for a few days and she started to live in a reality that wasn't real. she heard voices that weren't there and saw things that lived only in her mind.
we changed her meds and just as quickly she came back to being herself. but for awhile there it was pretty scary.



we've talked about it and even though the things
she said while she was crazy were funny,
we don't laugh ... it still borders on being pretty scary.

today she woke up and said, "i'm tired of this bug kicking my butt!"
today we're really not going to take any prisoners.

loi and marshall got married in our backyard under the old oak climbing tree last month.

i love that old tree. cliff and i would climb the tree and sit in the branches talking and dreaming. we taught our girls to climb the tree and buried our old faithful pets under it's branches. the old tree used to be so much more majestic before charlie and francis and all the other hurricanes came barreling through doing their destructive damage. but through it all, it persevered and held strong refusing to fall over.




carrying the battle scars, the old oak leans over now, windblown and disheveled and like a balding old man, precious few leaves are left on it's branches. but the limbs stretch out
low and wide
still inviting anyone that comes along to climb up and sit a spell. to dream. to pray. to be still.







but on the day of the wedding the beautiful blue skies framed the old tree as it lovingly came back to life. the branches wrapped in little white lights held the cream tulle that gracefully draped like a giant scarf caught by the wind. the old tree looked majestic once again. holy and blessed and a vision of God's glory.









underneath the old oak's giant and gnarled branches, we watched loi and marshall pledge their love to each other.



their heads bowed together they celebrated holy communion as husband and wife for the first time.
God was in this place.
cliff and i sat holding hands under the tree, smiling.

happy birthday kit!

although now that you're

a man

you like to be

called

keith

keith and his fiancee, heather

i love you forever and a day,

tia

this is my wild story of 6 degrees of separation.

you know the theory, the one that we're all connected by just six people to everyone around the world. one person who knows one person who knows one person....will eventually know you..ok. anyway.

last night we were at a neighbor's party and found myself chatting with a group that l had met just that night. the conversation somehow turned to a road trip outting little and l had last month to dunnellon to "look" at a puppy. needless to say we ended up with a new puppy, a mini australian shepherd., we named trip. dunnellon is a sleepy little southern town near gainesville about two hours from home.

one of the gals in this little group hearing our story says,

"oh, did you happen to stop at the rest stop on the turnpike?"

"we did" l replied thinking she was going to have a cute story about pets and rest stops.

"and did you talk to a couple while you were there?"

looking at her strangely, l replied,

"well as a matter of fact we did!"

"well, you were talking to my parents and all my mom could talk about

when they returned was this puppy they saw at the turnpike reststop!"

seriously! are you kidding me? isn't that wild?!

l ended up going home and bringing little tripper back to the party. she went out to her car and got her camera. haha, boy, don't you just wish you could see her mom's face when she shows her pictures.

he loves to fish.

and on top of that he's good.

l don't think l could have ever fallen in love with someone

who wasn't passionate about something.

passion...

such a good thing.